Unlimited Movies For Free (if you just let us do this one thing with your phone camera)
This is SATIRE, FAKE, PARODY based on the horrors of CAMERAS and BIG TECH.
The idea for this very much made-up, fake, parody, satire piece was inspired by news of a certain movie app company coming back with some creepy technology that "tracks your eyeballs.”
Welcome to Eternal Movies! We’re so glad you could join us.
Eternal Movies is the first ever mobile app that allows you to go to as many movies as you want, in theaters, for FREE! It won’t cost you a cent to download the app, subscribe to our unlimited movies package, and land yourself in a cushy movie theater seat as a member of the Eternal Movies family. Popcorn and milk duds not included, haha.
The only form of payment required is just a little bit of your time to watch ads on your phone while using the app. And you must allow us to access your mobile device so Beelzebub can suck out your soul through your phone camera. Well, it doesn’t have to be Beelzebub, you can choose your soul transferral experience from several satanic beast and ancient monster options. Isn’t it nice when you can choose what advertisements you see or how your soul is removed from your body?
Remember, Eternal Movies allows you to see any movie you want for free in movie theaters anywhere in America, for eternity! Well, at least for as long as your corporeal shell remains living. We’re able to offer this free service to you thanks to new artificially intelligent technology that connects with your phone camera to track your eyes during our in-app ads experience. Then, it vacuums out your soul!
Here are the soul-sucking experiences you can choose from:
Cthulhu: OK, sure this ad for a pizza chain is running long, and you just want to reserve tickets for that cult favorite showing at your local theater. But then, hey, isn’t that cult leader and tentacle-headed Cthulhu. Yes, it’s the Great Old One arisen from it’s deep slumber below the seas to capture another follower. Any movie you want, anytime, and all you have to do is allow Cthulhu to envelope you in one of its gooey, sopping wet tentacles. You are an eternal moviegoer and Cthulhu worshiper!
Beelzebub: The Emperor of Darkness! It’s a classic selection, like catching Casablanca or Saving Private Ryan at a special Saturday night showing. Though, you will be damned to hell. Don’t worry, our customers say that their souls belonging to Satan for eternity does not take away from the moviegoing experience. Our advertisers love this selection, because Beelzebub allows our advertisements to continue even in the Underworld. This is one of our finest partnerships, just like popcorn and milk duds, haha.
Hades: The same as Beelzebub but with an ancient Greek vibe.
The Sphinx: All of your ad experiences are for synthetic sand products in the form of riddles. Even if you answer all of the riddles correctly you will be eaten by the Sphinx in the afterlife, over and over again, eternally. Free movies until then! Each time at the theater is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. And each time you’re pulled apart by the part man, part lion, part falcon beast, it will feel like the very first time! Great for moviegoers who love to see movies twice or hundreds of times.
At Eternal Movies, consumer satisfaction is our top priority. Well, that and the satisfaction of our advertisers and dark overlords.
We hope to see you at the movies, and possibly in hell, soon!